My Feelings About My Experience of Writing

So I am in two different writing classes this term. One is focused solely on dissertation writing, and the other is a Sociology course named "Publishing in the Social Sciences". As a third-year PhD candidate, the realities of the impending job market are only getting brighter and brighter in my astigmatism-riddled eyes, and while I feel like I excel in the teaching and service area of academia, writing is where I become the most avoidant version of myself. So, to combat that, I registered for this sociology course, which uses Wendy Belcher's Writing Your Journal Article in 12 Weeks. Funnily enough, I have owned the workbook for like 3 years now, but I never got around to opening it — until now, that is.

It is week 1 of the spring term as I am writing this, and the only reason I am even writing this blog is that it is the first exercise in the workbook. The question of the prompt is, "What feelings come up when you contemplate writing?" My immediate response was negative, because I was solely thinking about academic writing, but I paused to reconsider. If we are talking writing in the broadest sense, my feelings are so positive! I was a creative writing minor in undergrad. I still have multiple notebooks and diaries from my childhood and youth that show how much I love to write. I have the beginnings of at least three different books (not including the actual book I am presently writing), I have multiple started screenplays from my short-lived career as a screenwriter, and the voice note versions of many weed-induced poems.

So when I contemplate writing, my feelings are excitement, passion, curiosity, freeing, and liberating. Writing is the medium of unlimited possibilities; all you need is a pen and paper at the end of the day. My feelings turn negative when I think of writing in the context of where I am in life, and that is academia. I am at the point in my doctoral programs where "it just has to get done," which is the furthest thing from exciting or passionate. The only shared feelings are the freeing and liberating, in the sense that I want to be free from grad school and liberated from the shackles of a graduate stipend (LOL).

What exactly am I saying then? If we are talking about the art form that is writing, unencumbered writing of expression, release, curiosity, and everything else divine, then I only have the most amazing and positive feelings; a desire for the freedom to write. If we are talking about writing in the confines and situated world of academia, it couldn't be further from the previous. Academic writing, to me, is the most harsh, restrictive, and unartistic form of writing. But I say that with an asterisk, because on the first day of this sociology writing class, my professor started by talking about the creative potential in academic writing, so I guess it can exist in an artistic way. I just have not been shown that path nor allowed to take it, but I guess that is all about to change.

While I do not think I will magically enjoy academic writing by the end of this term, I am hopeful that I will have a more positive relationship with and outlook on it by then. Regardless of my feelings, though, I do know that by the end of this term, an article will be submitted to an academic journal and at least one chapter of my dissertation will be written, so I will call it a win!